Then Peter came to him and said, “Lord, how many times must I forgive my brother who sins against me? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, I tell you, but seventy-seven times!” Matthew 18:21-22
New English Translation
We’ve all had to forgive someone. We’ve all had to forgive a lot of someones. Sometimes genuine forgiveness was easier in one circumstance over another. That’s just the way it is. Different situations cause different hurts, and some of those hurts are a little harder to let go of because we feel justified being the “victim.” I’ve been there a time or two. Honestly, I experienced this just this last year.
You don’t need to know the specifics, that’s between me and the other person and God. However, I can tell you that my trust in that person was lost and I began to see them differently than before. Even months after I was no longer having to deal with this person regularly, I still felt hurt over what had happened, and even some shame. In all honesty, it was a mix of emotions as I struggled with deciding who had hurt me more, the other person or myself. At times I would have thoughts of how aweful that person was and how what they did was so wrong. Then later I would have thoughts of how terrible I was, how I handled the situation poorly, how I should have never let it happen… Either way I was neglecting the act of forgiveness. I was forgetting the importance of forgiving them and myself.
It can feel like some wrongs are just so big that they cannot be forgiven, or that a mistake was so large that nothing can be done. Yet, that’s not the case at all. Remember the verses we read at the top of this post? Peter was asking Jesus how many times we should forgive. Jesus answers “77 times 7” (which for you highly literal nerds would be 539… yes, I used a calculator, so sue me). Basically, by giving Peter such an obnoxiously large number, Jesus was telling Peter that he would never be able to get out of forgiving another. That goes for us who feel like a wrong is unforgivable too. Scripture gives us another good reason to forgive earlier in the book of Matthew too:
But if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive you your sins. Matthew 6:15
New English Translation
Ouch, what goes around comes around. So, if I’m not willing to forgive someone else, or myself, then God isn’t going to forgive me either. Basically, if I’ve decided that there are certain terms and conditions for being forgivable, God’s going to abide by my standards in regards to forgiving me… that’s the joy of freewill.
My mom also told me something really helpful several weeks ago when I was still wrestling with my unforgiveness for myself. She told me that what happened is in the past and no amount of worrying about it, re-analyzing the situation, thinking about how it should have or could have gone different, nothing will change what happened. The only thing we can do is move on and learn the lesson that was provided through that situation.
It can seem really hard to move on and forgive. I get it. Been there. However, the excuse, “I can’t forgive them… there is no way I can forget what they’ve done to me” isn’t even reasonable. Forgiving and forgetting are not even remotely the same and usually are completely unrelated. Sure, some people can manage to forget something after they forgive, but I’d say 9 out of 10 instances there is no forgetting involved. What forgiveness does involve is not letting the memories eat you alive and define you.
Letting a wrong or mistake define you is different than learning a lesson from it. Being defined by it involves a “victim” mentality. Basically, you excuse bad behavior or unreasonable behavior by saying, “I’m like this because xyz happened to me” or “I act this way because of what he did to me.” Being a victim is a clear sign that you haven’t forgiven… guilty as charged on this side of the keyboard.
On the flip side, when you have forgiven someone and decided to look at the situation as a learning experience, you see what happened that caused the issue and determine how you can actively prevent that kind of behavior or situation again. Lesson learned.
Let me also correct a common misconception. People tend to believe that when you forgive someone that you have to open your heart to them and let them back in like they were before. You are not required to be “buddy-buddy” with someone just because you forgave them. When someone has broken your trust, proven to be a bad influence, shown poor character, or mentally, emotionally, or physically harmed you, you are not obligated to let them back into your life. Forgiveness is merely saying that you are not going to let that moment rule the rest of your life and that’s the total of it. Forgiving was never about the other person, it was 100% about you. Harboring unforgiveness hurts you so much, and destroys you. It doesn’t hurt the one not being forgiven at all. Quit frankly, they’ll not only not care that you haven’t forgiven them, but also probably will not notice you didn’t forgive them.
For example, let’s look at the instance with the person that I’ve been dealing with not forgiving them or myself for what happened. I really am not a fan of this person… probably never will be unless God does something amazing. I really don’t trust this person because they’ve given me valid reasons not to. However, I’m beginning to realize that I don’t need to make others or myself constantly aware of those feelings… especially since this doesn’t help with forgiving. It used to be that the very mention of this person’s name made me cringe, cry, or feel like throwing up. I’ve come a long way. I’m in a much better place. However, I’ve still got a long ways to go. I’ll know that I’ve forgiven this person to the fullest when I can imagine walking into the same room as this person and not begin thinking of 100 ways to a. avoid them or b. as minimally interact with them as possible. I’m pretty stinkin’ close to getting there.
Now, I hope you realize that I’m not trying to make forgiveness sound easy, simple, or something that can happen with a blink of an eye. I am saying, though, that it’s essential to living a life that honors God. We can’t live for God and live in unforgiveness. It just doesn’t work that way. I’m over here preaching to the choir. So, are you willing to make a pact with me? Together we will take on the life altering journey of forgiveness.
P.S. from Quill: I’ve had an article on forgiveness pending since July 18, 2023. It’s taken me a long time to get to where I feel like I personally have worked through my journey of forgiveness enough that I can properly explain what it means and feels like. Know that when I write these posts I have been taught before even attempting to teach you.
